A Note To Guys About Helping Your Date Feel Safe
Safety — a huge concern for the modern dater. Most likely, the majority of men have never gone out on a date with a new person thinking that if you aren’t careful you could get raped. But I can promise you that the women you date have either had that thought cross their mind and planned around it or have experienced some bad mamma jamma with men somewhere along the way.
After all, Google just can’t substitute for a community that knew your date when he exited the womb. Its hard to check on a guy’s real background and we’ve all heard the stories of men with families or girlfriends in every city, the date rapist from the online dating site or the perv caught looking in his date’s window after dropping her at home earlier that evening. There are a ton of articles out there for the girls to read about how to be safe, but this post is really directed more towards the guys trying to understand it all.
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When you are a trustworthy guy, it can be incredibly frustrating to have a new date shy away from letting you pick her up or agree to going over to your house … I mean, YOU know nothing is going to happen… but she doesn’t.
By stepping up to the plate and assuring her safety without her having to ask, you can put yourself head and shoulders above guys who get mad, offended or call a girl “crazy” because she is trying to protect herself in the absence of a dad cleaning his shotgun when you come over to pick up his little girl. Offering to meet out instead of assuming a pick up, limiting your alcohol intake if you know you tend to get frisky, not expecting to stay at her house (or her at yours) if you are visiting from another city… are all ways to signal that you are looking out for her safety and understand that she needs to take care of herself.
Just be patient and try not take it personally. Its not you she doesn’t trust, its the situation that gives her the willies. If you met online or at a bar, she can’t check up on you or talk to your friends and family and likely doesn’t know the last girl you dated. You may be grateful she doesn’t know your ex, (and so may she) but it means that a smart girl will take more time to get to know you and feel you out.
What are more ways you can help her feel safe aside from giving her your ex’s phone number?
Be Patient.
Let her pick the pace as far as time alone in private places. (If she seems a little too eager to sequester or pull out that camera during sex-play, you may want to look to your own safety.) Instead of contriving to have the evening end up with you two alone at someones place, take your own time and get to know your date before making a date with her and her pillow.
Just Because She Comes Over, It Does Not Mean She Says YES To Sex.
If someone crosses your threshold (or you cross hers), it does not mean that she is thinking sex. Some girls are just more used to in-home hospitality or may not be as savvy as she could be when it comes to dating safety. By avoiding assumptions, you can avoid a lot of potential misunderstandings.
Fight, Flight or Freeze.
We’ve all heard about the fight or flight response to a bad situation, but many forget the third option… freeze. Some women will freeze when scared and you’ll be shocked to hear that she felt like you pushed her into sex or she even claims date rape. BE CAREFUL. Make sure she is with you and not just going along with things because she is scared of how you’ll react if she says no. Of course, knowing your date and having a long history together helps circumvent this situation, but with sex coming into the picture so quickly in the dating world today, you need to communicate more than ever and be on your toes.
Consent is EVERYTHING.
Yes, it seems logical or obvious, but if you plan to take pictures, indulge in anything sexual or kinky or know you have an STD, make sure your partner has full knowledge, well before you hop into bed. If a girl tells you “no” at any point, stop. Even if her actions say something else, you need to stop and clarify that you are both on the same page. Some people, men and women, have a hard time discussing sexual expectations and limits like adults, but if you are engaging in sex, its something you need to be able to do. If you can’t ask her about sexual expectations and preferences, then perhaps you shouldn’t be getting naked.
A note to the ladies, I’m putting a lot of responsibility on the guy’s shoulders, but that doesn’t mean you are off the hook. Read the articles out there on dating safety and take to heart that with community accountability so low, it just means that some people are going to do things they never would if it meant their mom, best friend or sister was going to hear about it.
- Be smart. Trust your instincts. If your gut tells you something is wrong, pay attention!
- Be your own best friend and don’t worry about guys thinking you are “high maintenance” or “crazy.” Your safety is more important. A good guy will hear you lay down a boundary and respect it. A bad guy won’t.
- If you don’t like where something is going, you’re going to have to say no whether it scares you or not.
- If you know you have a habit of freezing when scared, really take into consideration your dating safety since you are less able to put a stop to a situation when its turning bad than someone who fights or flees. Identify the moment you tend to ignore your rules and learn to bail out before you get to that point in the evening.
Again, the solution seems to come down to respect, communication and honesty. Guys, you can be really helpful in the process and still keep it fun because there are a lot of girls out there who would like to meet someone who makes them feel safe to relax.
What do you think? Any ideas to add?